Something strange happened just before Christmas. He appeared outside my door, just before the restrictions re-emerge. It was a wrongful match, totally unaccepted from my part due to demographical reasons (i.e. complete misalignment in ages) but the scene felt stripped out from a movie, it was too hard to ignore. The weird twist of reality, the spark that was there, and the timing that seemed on. I didn't do anything at the time, I was scared. I kept thinking about it though, and eventually about a month and a half afterwards, I decided to give in and make an effort against my better judgement.
Obviously, I should have known better.
The new found friend had said "You are unlucky, it's in your sign". I laughed, I didn't need astrology to tell me that, I had so many years of experience already. I don't know which is sadder: to have something killed after you've had it for a while, or to have something stripped the exact moment where you decide to be brave and hopeful; to let go and just go with it?
I think it's the second. I'm positive about it.
Today I got slapped in the face, by the circumstances. It was sudden, out of nowhere, and it hurts like hell. I had felt something off, just a little though, so I assumed it's because I've become such a pessimist. It's hard to believe when you've failed so many times before. Yet, I convinced myself that if it was true, I would give it a try. For once I wouldn't think of the problems, it'd just ignore them.
And then it happened. A sudden friendly walk, the sharing of "news". News that I misheard in the beginning (apparently I was that desperate), and it took a while to sink in. What do I advise her to do? That's great, the knife just went a few inches deeper. Why am I even here? Why am I part of this conversation? Why can't the universe just leave me alone?
Go on, advise. Pretend and advise. Do what you always do, then run and hide. Just a few more steps till I'm inside the flat. Just a bit more, and I'm safe. They can't see me, I can cry now. Why, why do you hurt me so?
It's fine. I don't need it. I'm fine as I've always been. On my own. It's fine.
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