The Imperfection Of Perfection

"So with whatever is going on, you are not handling it well." 

I think this pretty much covers up the whole issue. I have a list of things to do that is infinite. I have no personal life. And I have no desire to fix any of it. Do you ever have the feeling that you are completely inadequate? At everything? 

I just feel like throwing up. Anxiety? Age? Loneliness? I can't seem to figure out the reason. I resent myself. Is this too strong of a word to use I wonder? Several stuff are important and I *have* to focus and deliver, because I know I'll regret it if I don't... but I just can't. I feel sorry for myself, and then disgusted, and then sorry again. It's an endless loop of emotions that I need to get out of. Now. Not later. I know I have to get out of this mess, but I can't quite figure out which way I came in.

If you ask me what I want right now, the answer is this: breathe. Pause and breath. I need the world to stop turning for a while, because I have to catch my breath and look around and fix the problem. 

But what do you do when life is not waiting for you to get better? You spin and spin and spin and you feel like throwing up, and maybe you do in the end, but this will not solve anything. Because you are just reacting, you are not doing. 

My friends seem to get it - life I mean. Am I the only one really or do I overthink everything? I just can't tell for sure anymore. I just know that I need to define my problem but I can't grasp it.

Oh my lucky star where are you? Please help me.