The thing with the thing

It's amazing how fast time flies, and I still feel like I'm lingering in the exact same moment. I can feel my outer self changing, everyone around me evolving and my inner self in a limbo. What is moving on? How do you get over the things in your head, and how do you feel whole again? 

I was roaming around the city today. By myself. A tourist in my own town. I used to do that too when I was abroad, working in the summer. It relaxed me, and made me feel somewhat content. Today the urge of not returning home, kept me outside again. I finished work so I said I'll indulge myself. One thing led to another and here I was, 6 hours later, having done everything by myself. It's not that I don't like solitude. I seek it at times. I'm a person of the edges: I can go from extreme socializing to totally alone. Today I'm not going out for drinks. I chose myself and I'll stick to it. I need to heal. Only I cannot find where the wound is. I'm aching but from where? I've been hearing from people that I put too much on myself. I demand too much. That could be true, I think maybe I drain myself on my own. I am myself's worst enemy. Me and the thoughts in my head. I need to breathe. Freely, from my chest but I don't know how. I just wanna be free again. I keep looking at the sky, thinking of airplanes. At times like these I always want to run away. Run away and disappear. Maybe in a new place, with new people I can breathe again. But is it really my surroundings' fault? Maybe it is me that is making it hard for me. I just don't feel enough. But now matter how far you go, you can never get away from yourself. So if the problem is me, running away will not solve it. But is it me? Or am I self-blaming myself again? If only I could stop thinking all the time. If only I could just breathe.

I want to think of nothing. Nothing. I want to feel my brain empty. Like my heart. I know it sounds a bit sad but it's really not as bad as it sounds. My head feels heavy from my thoughts. I just want it to go away, be empty and light again. Don't think. Don't blame. Just be.