To Feel or not to Feel

Hello to the universe again.

I want to start this post in a more positive note. Apparently I am not a complete failure. I succeeded in something. Twice. Two summer's ago I said that my dream came true. Last summer, it came true again. I'm currently hoping for another miracle this year. But will it happen? Or is this where it stops?  Fingers crossed for another win. Because I so wanna live more again. I know I am always asking for more, but again who isn't? This is life after all, you start by climbing one rock and then you go straight up to the other one - somehow you are moving forward.

I did take a deep breath professionally. People around me say I've changed. I'm more decisive, more thin, more pretty, more everything. I've been through some rough times, and I know what they say is true: I feel better. I'm also growing older though.

Keeping true to my sappy diary blog posts, I will admit to you again that I fell in love this summer. It's interesting, the intensity I mean. I thought I wouldn't experience it again, it's been a few years already. One good thing is that apparently I can still feel. One negative thing is that, apparently I can still feel. All this time and I haven't decided if that's a good or a bad thing. In case you think this is a happy ending, beware that it's not. People in the romantic department keep failing me. They are making me attached to them when they have already promised attachment to another. I wonder when will this stop. Will I die alone? People seem to care but not so much. Am I doomed to meet and be attracted to these types of people? The ones that do not make a decision to stay with me for a change?

I thought that my "new self" would attract something better. In a sense it did. The characteristics that I admire did exist on that person. So it was not a complete mismatch like the other times. But again, he led me on, and in the end he didn't deliver. So I am here, I came back, and I have cracked a bit again. My heart keeps breaking into pieces, will there be anything left I wonder. 

I keep punishing myself, but saying that I saw the signs once more, I ignored them a bit and fell in love anyway. So I deserve this ending. The sad ending credits are well deserved. But are they? I cannot forget him yet. I read somewhere that one-sided love is not romantic, it's stupid. Because love has to go both ways. I really agree with that comment, but how do you stop caring? I feel older, but not wiser at all. I also feel sad. I kinda hoped that this time, I could briefly, have it all. Almost all. Work and love. But currently I now I have no love, and the work thing...well, this is where I'm waiting for one more miracle.

I hope this post finds you all well, in better shape than me.

Take care.