To Feel or not to Feel

Hello to the universe again.

I want to start this post in a more positive note. Apparently I am not a complete failure. I succeeded in something. Twice. Two summer's ago I said that my dream came true. Last summer, it came true again. I'm currently hoping for another miracle this year. But will it happen? Or is this where it stops?  Fingers crossed for another win. Because I so wanna live more again. I know I am always asking for more, but again who isn't? This is life after all, you start by climbing one rock and then you go straight up to the other one - somehow you are moving forward.

I did take a deep breath professionally. People around me say I've changed. I'm more decisive, more thin, more pretty, more everything. I've been through some rough times, and I know what they say is true: I feel better. I'm also growing older though.

Keeping true to my sappy diary blog posts, I will admit to you again that I fell in love this summer. It's interesting, the intensity I mean. I thought I wouldn't experience it again, it's been a few years already. One good thing is that apparently I can still feel. One negative thing is that, apparently I can still feel. All this time and I haven't decided if that's a good or a bad thing. In case you think this is a happy ending, beware that it's not. People in the romantic department keep failing me. They are making me attached to them when they have already promised attachment to another. I wonder when will this stop. Will I die alone? People seem to care but not so much. Am I doomed to meet and be attracted to these types of people? The ones that do not make a decision to stay with me for a change?

I thought that my "new self" would attract something better. In a sense it did. The characteristics that I admire did exist on that person. So it was not a complete mismatch like the other times. But again, he led me on, and in the end he didn't deliver. So I am here, I came back, and I have cracked a bit again. My heart keeps breaking into pieces, will there be anything left I wonder. 

I keep punishing myself, but saying that I saw the signs once more, I ignored them a bit and fell in love anyway. So I deserve this ending. The sad ending credits are well deserved. But are they? I cannot forget him yet. I read somewhere that one-sided love is not romantic, it's stupid. Because love has to go both ways. I really agree with that comment, but how do you stop caring? I feel older, but not wiser at all. I also feel sad. I kinda hoped that this time, I could briefly, have it all. Almost all. Work and love. But currently I now I have no love, and the work thing...well, this is where I'm waiting for one more miracle.

I hope this post finds you all well, in better shape than me.

Take care.

  

The art of letting go

It is one of the things I often say, that most people assume that it is a big deal to not give up and keep on going, but what I find equally difficult is the knowing of when to do the exact opposite: when to give up.

With all these motivational quotes and blogs going on, I think we have quite forgotten that giving up (or letting go, or just stop) is an art. And it is extremely difficult. You have a lot of things getting in your way: your ego for starters. And ignoring your ego is not an easy thing to do. Mainly because we are taught to believe that things worth having, are worth fighting, and consequently you are a coward when you let them go. I think one misconception is because it implies that you have limitations, that you cannot change the outcome, so ultimately it is because *you* lack in something, that you are letting go.

But what if we lack more when we refuse to give up? Vain persistence in a situation that is not paying off should be pointless, by strict logical thinking. Not giving up is actually part of the "casino misfortunes" where people insist on betting more, even when they are continuously losing. So why keep the game on?

I use this blog mostly for my romantic failings in life as a sort of diary, to unwrap my thoughts and maybe get rid of them. Thoughts that get turned into words stay on this page and out of my head. This post is not an exception. I am experiencing another 'misfortune' in romance. I have currently activated the "GTHO" code. Which in my lingo means "Get The Hell Out" of this situation code. Since I'm only in the beginning, this is me having a hard time of disengaging myself from that horrible other person and social media is really not helping me at all. A few years earlier it was easier to put some distance, but these days I find it nearly impossible. While in this constant battle with myself, as if keeping a distance was not enough of a problem already, I have my brain telling me that I am giving up because I was "not enough" apparently. I am a loser to state it plainly, because I was rejected (well, actually I wasn't - I was stuck in the go back-and-forth situation, hot-and-cold, or any other way you wanna call it). This whole thing got me thinking: why am I even questioning myself, or feeling less as a person for letting go? Or trying to anyway? The "run for your life" signs were there all along - I ignored them obviously, because well, this is what people engaging in romance apparently are trained to do - and I didn't do what I had to do at the time I was supposed to do it. And that is run to the opposite direction! Instead, I chose to stay and fight, while showering in hot or cold water, depending on the mood of the dude in question. Judging the progress I made today minus the no-progress that I made yesterday and classifying the outcome as positive or negative. And obviously hearing to a random 'pling' at the phone, was enough to yank me and make me internally scream "it's him it's him". Only it was not. Or sometimes it was. But does it really matter?

Great. No wasted energy at all.

I began regaining my senses this Sunday - and started judging me for this impossible behavior. Have I really not grown at all? So I said to myself, you need to let it go. It's time. Before you start crawling on the floor. You owe yourself this much.

So here I am. Half-miserable, half-desperate, trying to let go. And if you are here as well, asking yourself if you should try to let go as well, then just do it. Because you wouldn't be asking this question at all if you could escape it.

So here I am. Urging you to give up. Urging me to give up. Don't give in, just give up. It simply is not worth it.