The feeling of giving up

Today started with a great lecture at the university. A very famous (and cool imho) speaker stood in our small hall and gave us an insight about his research.

As with most of the interactions with famous guys go, at the end of the day you are left with two things: either impressed and inspired to do more, or depressed and exhausted because you do not believe you will ever get there.

My take on things is usually somewhere in the middle. I do not feel stupid, but I'am aware that I lack the concentration and will to spend so many hours (as obviously this guy has) on a single subject. I prefer sitting somewhere outside the house and enjoying my coffee instead. However, I do try to maintain balances; be good enough, but not necessarily the top of the top. I mean seriously, I get to live only once, I should spend my life in as many different things as possible.

Obviously my negativity is still with me though, which is exactly why I'm writing right now. You see, I was in a good mood until a few minutes ago, where a hateful colleague of mine informed me of some "work" to be done. It is strange how one person can bring your whole defense system down. As I look around me right now I see that I am surrounded by a mist. It's been bugging me for a while now, and as I become certain of it, it's bugging me even more! Where this bottled-up depression-like behavior of mine has its roots: it's right here, in this building, with these people. Realization is one thing, fixing things is another. As with bad luck goes, the only way to escape here (my root of depression), is to work extremely hard here, and distinguish myself so that I can leave. "Easier said that done" is an understatement in this case. It's an interesting loop. I mean, ok, if I find the will and mood to perform well here, leaving or not won't matter to my depression, as I will be free of it anyway. 

  

So how do I fix this? I read in a beautiful post the feeling of giving up and how to deal with it. The state I'm was described accurately so I'll just copy some of them below.

 "The sense that nothing that you do really has any effect on the what is happening in your life"

Also the next sentence made my heart skip a beat.

"There's a sense of powerlessness as you realize that you can try to solve a problem but that all you are doing is banging your head against a wall that does not seem to move." 

 If you are interested in the full article here is the link: Unlearn helplessness