The torture and the torture

Sometimes I think I must be a masochist.  Really there is no other explanation. I've argued with myself again and again wondering if in fact I enjoy being miserable. My other half self does not accept it, but I think in time it will.

I have a bad habit, I'm hoping you are free of; I tend to "remember" and "relive". That is I am *re*peating myself and my sentiments. Now isn't that useful? I can be depressed again because of the exact same person, as if he never left. Because he did leave. And I did break. And now I'm breaking again.

I did ask for a sing in a previous post. Of course it didn't come! I mean, come on, people, what did you expect? This is no movie or fairy tale. I should have known, and I did. Oh, but the lingering hope! I really wish I could kill it. No waiting, no healing, no nothing. Just take a good and clear shot and be done with it.

In fact, as I am writing the most depressing thing is that I still believe. Deep down I hope (just die already!) that he will care. That he will call. That I mean something. The question that I'm asking myself (and all of you in similar phases) is that: Are You Still Having Fun? I mean R U? Really?

How were you to know when you've gone astray?

That happiness would go like a lost emotion

You have always gone your way

Are you happy today?

Well you know when you've been defeated

You don't care and you thank no one

Feeling low you will always need it

Are you're having fun

You don't know what is it you've done

You don't know that

And are you still having fun?

Are you still having fun?

Eagle-Eye Cherry - Are You Still Having Fun?

I should have known

This song from the new album of the Foo Fighters does express me deeply. Summer moved on (just like Aha say in their tune) and I'm still standing here. Yet again.
I have a crazy heartbeat, and though I know I did my best, I guess sometimes that's not enough, is it? But how can you concentrate on anything, when you are actually waiting for a call, a message, a sign. All I'm asking here is "give me something to keep me going" and I get nothing.
Well I had 3 problems this summer.
The 1st one ended not well. But it is an end nevertheless. I came, I saw, I cried, I'm moving on.
The 2nd one, is a few hours from being over. The pain and the torture. So, be gone already. Go and say nothing. I said it all anyway for both of us.  I expressed it all and I'm here, my cover is blown and yet you're standing still. Men these days. They just ... stand there. Doing nothing. Chickening out. You think dear that is was easy for me to say? Like hell it was! I'm embarrassed but I did well. First things first. I need you to leave! Then I need some time to heal. Then move on. So this isn't over yet I guess...
The 3rd one, well, that was a story that had paused. I knew that it would come back to haunt me some day. And the day has come indeed. Now, I'll have to survive through it again .

I am lost. I am down on my knees and I'm begging the universe: PLEASE give me something to keep me going....
Till then, I'm letting Foo Fighters say it on my part.

I should have known,

That it would end this way,

I should have known,

There was no other way,

Didn't hear your warning,

Damn my heart gone deaf.

I should have known,

I've been here before,

I should have known,

Don't want it anymore,

Though I cannot forgive you yet,

No I cannot forgive you yet,

You leave my heart in debt

Foo Fighters - I Should Have Known

  

To Hell With Destiny

I think I just lost faith in men altogether.

Yeap, yeap. Just 10' ago, I was all cheered up: better days will come, I shouldn't cling on lost loves, I should move on,  so many men around someone will be good for me too, etc. etc... and then CRAP! I heard he is now with her! (not the "he" in the previous post btw). You should really see the "her" however to understand fully what I mean. An emotionless, pale, cold statue with no hidden hint of charm whatsoever. You can't even call her sweet.

Pfff, what is left to say? "Well done!" I guess?...Ah, I've had enough. I feel tired yet again. Why is it in the human nature to eat dirt and then to stand up? then eat dirt and stand up again? Where is the line when you should just give up? Because I can't see it, and I do not like the ever going circle of  emotions I feel again and again and again.

I'm getting a tattoo again, I've decided. Infinity it is.

My mind always wanders off by the way. I can't really focus on things. But from this second (yes, not tomorrow, not next monday) I will begin THE training. I've read somewhere that you can learn how to focus so this is what I'll try to do. Focus on studying. At least you know the deal here: you study, something good will come out of it. And anyway, I don't have a decent personal life to distract me, so why bother being distracted by ***holes?

If I go a little hard today, I apologize. I just have something in my throat and on my chest that stops me from breathing. This is me getting out! 

I wish you all a better luck than mine -- I'm sure you deserve it :-)

Finito la musica, passato la fiesta....

Alright, alright, I admit it; I have a broken heart.

I honestly thought that growing older, means handling things better. Clearly I failed. I guess I was arrogant enough to think that I'm above it all. Love and stuff.

What you should know about me, is that falling in love is a difficult process. It rarely happens, and when it does, I can't handle it very well...First of all I can't express it. I'm embarrassed in a degree so high that  I tend to neglect the person I truly like and talk to his friends, cousins, distant relatives, friends of his friends, etc. You can see where I'm going with it. In order to learn how to flirt (Yes, I' m saying out loud now) I even googled "how to flirt" steps from the internet. And if you believe, that in order to become pitiful, you  must be overweight, stupid, or f*cking ugly, you are so damn wrong. I don't like myself very much when I'm like this. But honestly, I thought I became better in the last years. With the flirt and in cases the rejection as well.

It is sad when you discover that you are not strong at all. At first, I didn't consider him as a candidate. That was mistake No 1. I thought "hm, he is nice/pretty/clever enough for me", let's see If I can get to know him. The boy of course I knew from the beginning that was strange. It was the adjective that everyone used when describing him. Nice guy, but strange a bit. I didn't take that seriously. That was mistake No 2. You know, you should always trust the people who already know someone. They know better. All the other is history; I approached, I though I can win easily, we communicated so fast and everyday and he accepted every invitation I gave to hung out. But he never, never asked me out first. There is mistake No 3. When seeing someone really interested in you but not making the next step, no matter what all your/his friends say ("he likes you", "he needs time", "he is rather shy", etc) you should just GIVE UP and RUN away! Yes, indeed, backtrack and run for your life! For the love of God, you are about to make a huge mistake: you are about to get attached to a person that is not "quite right". That's reason good enough.

If you don't, you'll probably end up like me: the "work hard" to intrigue him to make the step in vain and the broken heart afterwards. Here's a tip: if you think you've done far to many things, but despite all good "appearances" he's still holding the castle, then walk away. Because you did your best. You should be proud! What he does, is none of your concern or your fault.

Yesterday, after a gathering of friends where he was present, I became depressed. I drove all the way back home crying. I remember I could barely see the road, from the sobs and the tears. My face and my heart was a mess. That's when I knew that I was heartbroken. Today, that the day passed, I'm still depressed. But, I've made up my mind on working hard, this time to ignore him. It's not easy you know. when you are in the same place every day. But I hope that gradually the pain will go away. It's not the first time, but it sure feels like it. And it hurts like hell...

But a love that brings only pain, is not for you. That is that. He's is not making the move for whatever reason! ACCEPT that. Cry a river, then build a bridge and get over it.

I can't tell you that tomorrow will be easier, because it wont. I will try though. I will bite my lips to hold in the pain, and I will grow out of it. You should do it to.