I don't think I'll ever get married. I came to this realization just a few minutes ago, as I was watching a crime series on Netflix. Weird, wouldn't you say?
The correlation is not obvious, but it exists. You see in the series the two detectives (despite a bunch of obstacles and real issues that would never fly out in the real world) are having a moment. It is almost like a proposal, and it moved me. And then I realized, this, this is the one thing that I don't think I'll ever get in my life. Someone saying that he wants to be and stay with me.
Now that I think about it, when was the last time someone said this or something close to it? When was there someone that admitted to my face that they really like me? I can't even remember. I can't because it's been so long ago. I remember a look, a hug, a kiss but never an explicit declaration. If I die suddenly, I guess this will be my main regret in life: I can't remember anyone trying to own my affection and my time.
I've been desperate for people, but they never seem to be desperate for me. They like me, a lot maybe, but not enough. The few times that I actually got a declaration of some sort, soon afterwards the person vanished. So I don't believe that anyone will declare anything to me anymore. Can you blame me though? How do you believe something you haven't really experienced?
I don't know if I believe in marriage or not. My parents, they had a good marriage, that much I can tell. But I don't know if I believe in marriage myself. I think I believe in people though. Or at least I thought I did.
I don't even dream about it anymore. Before going to bed, I'd also used to imagine some scenarios where something exciting happens and he (whoever that is) appears and holds on to me. But I can't even do that. For starters, I can't even put a face on who that *he* is.
I don't wanna be alone, I think. I think because I don't really know. But this night again, I'm sad. Sad because I've been wanting a mutual attraction, but the time goes by, things get harder (I get harder too) and there's so little left of me to give or to receive.
To my future self, I'm sorry. I want to give you something to hold on to, but I can't lie to you: I honestly think you will probably remain alone.
To my past self, I'm sorry too. I blamed you so much for my current state, even though you did the best you could. You tried, I can see it now and I'm sorry for blaming everything on you.
