Departures

I always knew I had to go. I only came here temporarily after all. But the virus and everything made time appear shorter or condensed.

"The mountains are calling, so I must go."

What drives me away? Every time something drives me away. I just have to leave. But where do I go? I could have stayed here obviously. I could have denied my transfer and stayed. But do I want to stay? As I look around this place that I made from scratch to look like home, I feel weird and sad.

I don't really wanna go London. I haven't experienced you enough. I was locked in, terrified. Now I'm out, and I just started finding a tempo. I figured out where I wanna go, who I befriend, which hobbies to start. I did it, and as I felt comfortable at last, finally, now I have to go. Now the transfer is out. Obviously. What was I expecting really?

So I guess I'll do what I can do very well. I will pack my bags. There are only mine after all. As always. I will relocate. 

I've been an old soul, always. If the day comes when I need to leave this world, it will be the first time that I won't know where I'll go.  That scares me. If I leave unexpectedly, and if anyone asks how I spent my life just tell them this: She tried. She tried to experience everything. She really did.  

The proposal

 I don't think I'll ever get married. I came to this realization just a few minutes ago, as I was watching a crime series on Netflix. Weird, wouldn't you say?

The correlation is not obvious, but it exists. You see in the series the two detectives (despite a bunch of obstacles and real issues that would never fly out in the real world) are having a moment. It is almost like a proposal, and it moved me. And then I realized, this, this is the one thing that I don't think I'll ever get in my life. Someone saying that he wants to be and stay with me.  

Now that I think about it, when was the last time someone said this or something close to it? When was there someone that admitted to my face that they really like me? I can't even remember. I can't because it's been so long ago. I remember a look, a hug, a kiss but never an explicit declaration. If I die suddenly, I guess this will be my main regret in life: I can't remember anyone trying to own my affection and my time.

I've been desperate for people, but they never seem to be desperate for me. They like me, a lot maybe, but not enough. The few times that I actually got a declaration of some sort, soon afterwards the person vanished. So I don't believe that anyone will declare anything to me anymore. Can you blame me though? How do you believe something you haven't really experienced?

I don't know if I believe in marriage or not. My parents, they had a good marriage, that much I can tell. But I don't know if I believe in marriage myself. I think I believe in people though. Or at least I thought I did. 

I don't even dream about it anymore. Before going to bed, I'd also used to imagine some scenarios where something exciting happens and he (whoever that is) appears and holds on to me. But I can't even do that. For starters, I can't even put a face on who that *he* is.

I don't wanna be alone, I think. I think because I don't really know. But this night again, I'm sad. Sad because I've been wanting a mutual attraction, but the time goes by, things get harder (I get harder too) and there's so little left of me to give or to receive. 

To my future self, I'm sorry. I want to give you something to hold on to, but I can't lie to you: I honestly think you will probably remain alone.

To my past self, I'm sorry too. I blamed you so much for my current state, even though you did the best you could. You tried, I can see it now and I'm sorry for blaming everything on you.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry friend, that I can't seem to find my way out of this. I'm sorry I keep hearing voices having fun around me, excluding me. 

I'm sorry I make you miserable, but I feel so angry. What can I do with so much anger inside? I swear I can hear them right now. The walls are so thin. I keep hearing the footsteps as well. Why can't they stop?

I don't want to listen and I don't want to see anymore. I want nothing. It's been two weeks, I'm supposed to be at my best. Is this it? My best. 

I'm sorry friend, that I'm using you again as a punching bag. You must be tired, trying to manage everything all the time. If only I could understand what I'm doing wrong then I could become better for you. 

This place is wet. I don't feel missed. I feel empty, on my own. I don't think anyone really cares about me, so in turn I can't really care for you. I feel abused and so abuse is the only thing I can give you.

I'm sorry friend that I am so small. I'm sorry, you deserve someone better for sure. I'm small, pathetic, needy, weak, scared and rusty to the bone. I can't function well my friend, and I'm sorry. I promised you I'd get better but I keep failing you, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry friend, please forgive me. I'm so sorry.

An idiot in the middle of a pandemic

Something strange happened just before Christmas. He appeared outside my door, just before the restrictions re-emerge. It was a wrongful match, totally unaccepted from my part due to demographical reasons (i.e. complete misalignment in ages) but the scene felt stripped out from a movie, it was too hard to ignore. The weird twist of reality, the spark that was there, and the timing that seemed on. I didn't do anything at the time, I was scared. I kept thinking about it though, and eventually about a month and a half afterwards, I decided to give in and make an effort against my better judgement.

Obviously, I should have known better.

The new found friend had said "You are unlucky, it's in your sign". I laughed, I didn't need astrology to tell me that, I had so many years of experience already. I don't know which is sadder: to have something killed after you've had it for a while, or to have something stripped the exact moment where you decide to be brave and hopeful; to let go and just go with it?

I think it's the second. I'm positive about it. 

Today I got slapped in the face, by the circumstances. It was sudden, out of nowhere, and it hurts like hell. I had felt something off, just a little though, so I assumed it's because I've become such a pessimist. It's hard to believe when you've failed so many times before. Yet, I convinced myself that if it was true, I would give it a try. For once I wouldn't think of the problems, it'd just ignore them. 

And then it happened. A sudden friendly walk, the sharing of "news". News that I misheard in the beginning (apparently I was that desperate), and it took a while to sink in. What do I advise her to do? That's great, the knife just went a few inches deeper. Why am I even here? Why am I part of this conversation? Why can't the universe just leave me alone?

Go on, advise. Pretend and advise. Do what you always do, then run and hide. Just a few more steps till I'm inside the flat. Just a bit more, and I'm safe. They can't see me, I can cry now. Why, why do you hurt me so? 

It's fine. I don't need it. I'm fine as I've always been. On my own. It's fine.