Afraid

I am afraid of the world. 

Today I have this uncomfortable feeling again, that somehow I'm failing my life. I have recently come to realize one terrible thing. It seems that I'm more scared of letting other people down, that I am about letting down myself. What a terrible, terrible thing to say. Because in the end all I have is myself. People may come, may stay, may go. This is something that you cannot control. So in the end, all you ever have is yourself. Why am I beating myself up, I do not know. That poor self of mine must be exhausted: always feeling disappointed, left out, lacking, always wanting more. 

Because of the opinions and expectations of other people I think I have driven myself up against a wall. So now I'm left with looking into the white space of it, unable to move forward, while listening to the whispers of people gathered around me. So helpless, when I could just turn around, face them, and walk away from the wall.

So this is what I've become? I always felt I do not "fit in" in this world where other people so easily seem to roam around. Why can't I just fit in? Comply to the rules? Compromise? These questions echoed in my head for the last few years. But now the voices are getting stronger. I hear them in my head all the time. I think it's too late now. For all the years that have passed, I am now certain that can never be. I am like a pair of shoes, that you just had to buy, but you cannot wear anywhere. 

In this world, I want to live with all my might but I seem to be lost in the way. Is it the lack of love? Or is it the age? Or just the weather? I am confused, I cannot seem to be able to find the actual reason and this is the most frightening part I guess.

I want to burn so that I can breath again. So, universe, can you give me something? Please I'm begging you, anything to get me out of this pit. I wanna look at the stars and breathe freely again. Just lift this weight from my chest - I don't even know when and why I put it there.

What is falling in love?

So I sleep, I wake up, I (try to) study, I eat, I laugh in between and then I sleep again. It's a circle, the circle of my life these past few months. There is something nagging me though. Something deep in my chest, a small pain. 

Recently there was a song that I happened upon and the lyrics just stayed with me: 

"How do you fight loneliness? Just smile all the time."

Been in and out of love (or so I thought), mostly by myself. Now that I think of it, I am not sure what romance is. I could give you a definition, but I don't know what it is. But I miss it. I really do. So much.

I thought I was a cynic. People around me will tell you that I am. I think it has to do with my sense of humor basically. Truthfully I've been avoiding spending time alone with myself lately, because I'm afraid that some things that I do not wanna know will come out and drown me. 

I keep trying to maintain a happy composure, following the mantra "you are happy if you believe you are", but I just can't seem to do anything right. When I say right, I mean with enthusiasm. I just lack enthusiasm in anything I do. I keep dragging myself to move on, to go to the gym, to study more, to go out, even to go to sleep. I keep doing it because I fear of what will happen if I do what I truly feel that I desire: hide. Find a hole and hide from the world for a while.

It's been like this, these past years. I suffer not from a broken heart, but from a lonely heart. This is what I've been afraid to admit. I am lonely. I keep searching for someone to make my heart skip a beat again, without breaking it at once this time - is that too much to ask? Am I a romantic? 

I have these chains that keep holding me down. Tell me how do I get rid of them? I wanna try my best for once, really try and just make it. Go abroad, see the world for as long as I can. But I have these chains that ruin my determination and my concentration: loneliness. I'm missing something that is not here, that never was.

So, what is falling in love? Please tell me. I wanna know.