The Imperfection Of Perfection

"So with whatever is going on, you are not handling it well." 

I think this pretty much covers up the whole issue. I have a list of things to do that is infinite. I have no personal life. And I have no desire to fix any of it. Do you ever have the feeling that you are completely inadequate? At everything? 

I just feel like throwing up. Anxiety? Age? Loneliness? I can't seem to figure out the reason. I resent myself. Is this too strong of a word to use I wonder? Several stuff are important and I *have* to focus and deliver, because I know I'll regret it if I don't... but I just can't. I feel sorry for myself, and then disgusted, and then sorry again. It's an endless loop of emotions that I need to get out of. Now. Not later. I know I have to get out of this mess, but I can't quite figure out which way I came in.

If you ask me what I want right now, the answer is this: breathe. Pause and breath. I need the world to stop turning for a while, because I have to catch my breath and look around and fix the problem. 

But what do you do when life is not waiting for you to get better? You spin and spin and spin and you feel like throwing up, and maybe you do in the end, but this will not solve anything. Because you are just reacting, you are not doing. 

My friends seem to get it - life I mean. Am I the only one really or do I overthink everything? I just can't tell for sure anymore. I just know that I need to define my problem but I can't grasp it.

Oh my lucky star where are you? Please help me.

Lost (but not found)

It has been one of those summers, the quiet ones. I actually had no expectations from this summer and felt ok about it. The first step to deal with a situation is accepting it.

It has been a difficult year; couldn't concentrate well on my studies, couldn't have exactly freedom of choice, no actual vacations and a crappy mood that kept swinging up and down. 

At the beginning of summer I had hope. I think it's the sun, or maybe the warm weather that always lifts up my mood. I felt powerful, I accepted a "stay-with-the-family" vacation, and promised myself better luck next year. The thing is that life surprises you at the exact moment when you have found piece and quiet. I hate it. Honestly. I complain a lot about the crappy people that enter (and exit) my life but I secretly always hope for the best. 

As you may guessed already someone half-entered/half exited my life again. Not enough and not for long. Just enough to make a mess and leave me cleaning it up. Truthfully, this time I can't blame him. He didn't stick around enough to betray me. But the thing is, I liked him. He swept me off my feet so quickly. I was so certain that I found someone worth it after these two difficult years. That is why I am again in pain. I think I was more in love with the idea of being around him, than the actual time I spent interacting with him. Still when someone you (apparently) created high hopes for suddenly feels unreachable, you are left in pieces. Even if there were no real promises made. Well, these are the known dangers of summer flings. The two P's: powerful and painful.

I feel like vomiting. If I could put a label in my emotional state that would be it. Why couldn't I just stay away as planned? I think now that I was over-confident and developed a crash on him without noticing it. When he left, I did. Argh, too late. Just too late. Now it's done, what can I do? I feel so lonely this past few days, with a pain in my chest. It just...hurts.

Wait, what?

I read somewhere the following line: "People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily."

You already know that I'm a sucker for quotes, but when I read this one I related instantly. It's been a year since my last post but this time it's kind of different since I'm posting in broad daylight, an (almost) sunny spring day. Like always, I read my latest posts, just to check if I have improved at all since I wrote them. Well, unfortunately, I admit I was hoping for more changes, but it seems that most of us really change when a dramatic event happens. The drama is the one thing that I'm trying to avoid; but I keep coming back to it. And so I wonder; is it really so hard to change yourself? Even when you know that you are in the wrong? They say that to fix a problem, you must first admit that it exists. But what happens when you are past that point? Is there really no way to prevent hell, even when you know it's coming? Or maybe you think you found the problem, but you really haven't? 

Today was supposed to be my 'search to find what the heck is going on' day. I haven't been able to do that properly. That's somewhat annoying. It is Sunday, but there are just too many people around me, I can't escape them. This only adds to my stress. I can't afford to lose any more days. In matter of fact tomorrow I have to decide what I want. The interesting part is that in fact, I thought I had figured that out last year! Oh well, it seems to me that aging really is of no actual help. Do I really know myself at all? This last year, exactly what have I been doing? Again, thinking about it: more stress.

The Nirvana "Hello, hello, hello, how low?" chorus just keeps popping up in my head; it's been two days now. It poses the one question I've been asking myself: how low? how much lower will I go? 

Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit (Live)

There are several words that come and go in my head: freedom, knowledge, desire, and commitment. Can you be committed to something but also be free? I have a thing with commitment, but that's not new. Actually I thought that the problem was in the relationship part: I get bored too easily. It seems that lately I get bored easily with everything! Or maybe not lately? Maybe I just only noticed it? The thing is that I have seen myself being "fixed" on several people. So apparently, I can commit. Why not on other things also? What am I missing? Is this problem beyond help? But I *want* it to change. Or maybe I don't want it bad enough? Or maybe it's not what I really want? 

The biggest question is in fact: am I really miserable or do I just think that I am miserable? 

The second biggest question is this: who will win tomorrow? My sensible or my inconsistent self? 

And then Nirvana comes to mind again. It seems that I am too "All Apologies". I cannot claim that I knew the circumstances, but I understand Kurt a bit. He couldn't help himself, and I can't seem to help myself. 

What else should I write?

I don't have the right.

What else should I be?

All apologies.

Tomorrow... please let it be my turn to change?