What Am I Doing Here?

For starters, I'd like to  NOT to talk. Can I just disappear? Pretty please... 

So here I go. Where am I? Why am I even here? This is not my talent obviously. So why? Why do we keep doing things that don't come of easily? Is it in the human nature to be a masochist? I keep asking myself, why am I following the road I'm following.

"I feel stupid...oh so stupid, I feel stupid and stupid and plain!"

Has that occurred to you at all? A job, a school, an occupation that you keep doing every day, is it what you really want to do? Today, we had a group gathering where two colleagues exhibited their current work. And I felt yet again, so misplaced. What am I doing here? Really? Why am I here? The room felt too small, the people too many and I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to go in some dark corner and cry. Disappear, vanish. Just go away. All of you. 

What is wrong with me anyway? Not smart enough? Not witty enough? Not interested in these stuff enough? I think, I just don't belong here. I'm having a hard time understanding whether I'm not fit to be here or I'm only feeling miserable on my own. Where is that line? I can't see it...I should be able to see it, but I don't.

I feel so small. If I had a wish, to change it all, what would I do with it? I don't know. And I keep wondering what am I doing here? I'll close this up with a single verse from a song that stuck with me, and reminds how much I want a chance for change...

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky, are like shouting stars? I could really use a wish right now...wish right now...

 

B.o.B - Airplanes (Feat. Hayley Williams of Paramore) 

I could really use a wish right now...

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this...

If you want to listen the rest of it, follow the link below:

B.o.B - Airplanes (Feat. Hayley Williams of Paramore)

Anger Management...Not!

Well, I feel so angry these days....

Honestly, my head, my body, my whole existance is stressed from the anger inside.

It is twisting my guts, I feel like throwing up, I feel like giving a punch, or even hit my head on a wall. Maybe this will release me.

The worst part of being angry, is being angry about something that you do NOT wanna share.
I mean you are angry, so why can't just people leave alone? The minute they see something's wrong, they stick their noses and try to find out what it is...Jesus, you can't help me, I don't wanna share, so just let me be.

I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm upset and so on...And since I don't want the concern, I also have to fake a happy attitude in front of everyone else. That is so tiring. Oh God, I feel so tired. I just wanna yell and be angry. But what if the object of your anger is never present?? Yes, indeed, it's not ever present. You keep hearing and learning that it was just here, but you just happened to leave for a sec, and it is gone again...So you can't be angry at something that's never there, and that builts more anger, and more and more...

What if we are doomed to care more about people that simply don't care as much for as? Ah, that is a devastating observation...and what if we have already opened our heart, like that, with no consideration for a change this time, and now we can't escape that fact?

I guess you can call it 'bad luck', huh? Well, I had my share, I can't complain....I'm all messed up...please show me the way out??