And so, you made contact.
A week and a half, after I wrote about my impulse to reach out, you did it. I didn't do it. I did my part. I held my own.
And now I am once again half confused, half angry. Why did you reach out? You have a life, one that doesn't include me. Why do you ask for my news? That is not caring, so is it just gossiping?
I've read somewhere that when you feel that something is not right, then it isn't. I believe that. I actually believe that our instincts on people are rarely wrong. So when I feel like you don't really care for me, it must be true.
And so I'm confused, because making contact must mean that you miss something about me, right? However small, I did leave a trace, something you liked enough to make you wanna talk to me.
But I'm also angry. I'm so angry with you. It's hard enough as it is, why do you keep giving me small fractures of hope? What, what, WHAT, do you want from me?
I feel like I'm reading a pointless story. A story written by an amateur that has no idea of the basic rules of writing, there is no plot, no "ending" in its mind, just incoherent spikes of attention. Where is this going? I stopped trying to reach out, my pain is only for me. I stopped not because I'm ethical (I should have been) but because I tried to think for myself and I see no gain in this for me. I'm just hang up on you, and this lingering feeling really isn't benefiting me. You are living your life, can't you just let me live mine?
Even as I'm writing this, I still want you to reach out again. Like, right now. Talk to me. Please. But, please don't talk me. Just stay away.
I will not reach out. I promised once, and I intend to keep it. You are probably expecting me to though. Just like you always do. And when you see that I'm not reaching out, then you give it a go. And now because you appeared, you must think that it's fine, it's my turn. Only it's not. It's not my turn. It never is my turn, I will never, never, never, never, never, reach out. Never. I can't do much for myself right now. I can't make me not think about you. I can't make me not respond to you. But I can do this: not text you. I miss you terribly, but I will not text you, because you will not give me what I want anyway. So this is pointless for me. You are getting something out of this communication (although honestly, I don't understand what it is), but I'm definitely getting nothing. So I will not. You can keep expecting, but I will not.
