The question

Some times life can get a bit complicated on its own, and it doesn't wait for you to catch on. These days at work have been really disappointing and apparently they distracted me enough, so as to not pay attention on my feelings, and now here I am.

So I'm sitting here, at home, earlier than usual. Drinking on my own and trying to get rid of that nasty "butterfly angst" that I feel all over my stomach. How did I let this happen? I'm obsessing again, and I'm having a very hard time *not* to focus on a specific person. Why, universe, why are you doing this to me?? This is an obvious case of disaster. I can foresee it. And yet here I am, wishing for another phone call, another chance to walk hand-in-hand. Oh, how I missed the holding of the hand. I knew it, so why did I let him hold my hand even for a little while? The detachment will be difficult for me.

So, I'm asking: can't you just hold my hand a little longer this time? Even though it's against all odds, and I know it. The brain understands. Even the heart knows. But can't you just hold my hand for a little longer? A sudden obsession for you too. An unexpected one. Can't it happen, just this once? Can't you just look for me, foolishly, without knowing why?

The unicorn

I always come back here, mostly when I feel like drowning. I remember saying very clearly that I won't complain again about love if my dream comes true, but now I see that this was a big statement. 

I had a horrible night. The most horrible part of it was that it began great, with a glimpse of hope, and a feeling "see? you should have done it sooner".

But you know, when people don't reach out first, usually it's because they don't want to. I'm always saying this to my friends: don't give excuses and move on, because even if he does call, it will not end well. Why do I ever give advice? And to whom? I don't even listen to my judgement. And so far my hunches are unfortunately always correct. Recently people keep telling me: don't give up on love because of previous experiences. I think this is the problem, right there. I got brainwashed and it kind of messed up with my brain again.

I mean I had given up, and I was finally ok. I was not expecting anything. Like nothing. When you expect nothing, nothing can break you down. But when you start hoping again, people can find space to step on you and break you down.

Before, I was listening to: you seem too independent, you seem too smart, too good on your own. Now what will they say? you seem needy, you are searching, it's obvious and it scares people off?  It reminds me of a children's story that we read in school about prospective. People will have something to blame on you with everytime. 

I deeply believe that in love (and other things) timing is the main factor. You have to be in the right moment, at the right time, with the right person that has the same feelings. Tonight, after quite some time I felt the timing was right. Only... it was not. I don't think that you should ever make a girl feel this stupid. Just don't do it. People may seem happy, but they hurt inside. Just don't do it. Don't build up a situation and then break it down. It's not that I believe in lying but I you don't just say things at the beginning, just don't say them at all. Because we feel stupid. Stupid that we didn't foresee a situation that was impossible to predict, because we didn't know all the facts. And then what? 

I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it. #sum41 

I feel broken inside. My brain understands that it is not worth it, but the tears are still streaming down. Great, I'm crying again. It's a reflex. It's temporary? The pain inside is there though. Like a rock dragging me down. And I don't wanna smile anymore. It's making me tired. I want the world to leave me alone. Just go away. Just let me be. Don't reach out a hand, if you don't intend for me to take it. Just leave me alone.

From the concept of love, I think I miss the holding of the hand the most. I keep looking at my hand these days. Just there on the desk. On its own. You may thing I'm crazy, but this is it. My hand is empty. I have no hand to hold. And this is what I'm missing the most.

The dream that dies

There are times in life when your dream dies. Matter of fact, I'm here to tell you that in exactly 3 days my dream will be dead. Today, as I sit comfortably in my sofa, I'm writing a eulogy trying to say goodbye; trying to prepare myself before the finality of death. Not very successfully though; since crying non-stop rarely helps you when writing text.

Two years now, a glimpse of hope started to whisper in my ear that "hey, maybe you can do it" and I didn't believed it back then, but I started working for it anyway. First year of trying and I failed miserably. Second year, and I came half the way. This year was my last chance and I knew it. I feared failure but I marched right in anyway. Here I stand in front of you, with my 90% of success so far. In three days from now however, this percentage will be sent back to 0%. If only I had a little bit of luck. Enough luck to carry me just a little further. But times are hard for dreamers, and just because you worked hard for something doesn't mean you will eventually get it. 

Now all I can do is count. Count the hours left until the dream slips away. Looking straight to the mirror of my miserable self, I feel drained. This is horrible. Maybe I should finally put myself on the ground. Stop dreaming all together. Stop trying. Just. Stop. Have you ever had that feeling like you just wanna stay in your hole, and let the time pass you by, let the people pass you by, just ignore reality and stay there. Hidden from the world and its turning. I want to ignore the world, can't it just ignore me back?

As I grow up, I find myself wishing to be ignorant once again. Knowledge may be power, but ignorance is bliss. And all I ever wanted was to be happy. And free.

The missing parts

As usual there is a lot of work I'm supposed to be doing but I'm drowning myself in my coffee instead. My mood swings are still here, and since I can't get rid of them, I decided to write. 

I've always said that most of the time I don't feel things. I look at them. I always remember myself feeling like an outsider. Different situations, but the same feeling. The problem with being an outsider is that in fact you don't feel like you actually belong, and the "something's missing" feeling keeps creeping up. All my life I've been battling with myself to understand what am I missing? Why am I always feeling incomplete? I've read a dozen of articles; in one of them I found a comforting idea on the subject. Feeling incomplete is not bad. It means you are constantly pushing your boundaries to explore the world. You are not dissatisfied with your current life, and -contrary to what society wants you to believe- you are not lacking simply because you long for more. This is not depression. It is a call inside that paves the way and makes you evolve. You are a person, you do not live only to eat and bread, so it is natural that you change every minute of the day, and every minute of the day you keep wanting more.

I like that idea in the article and so I'm replicating it. The missing parts are indeed missing and will always be. Not because you are depressed and lacking, but because this is how it's supposed to be. This is living. You like your life, some choices you made were wrong, some where right, and they led you here. Things are not so bad. They are ok. But you want more. That's ok too. The problem I gather is again with society. They guide us into believing that when at some point you should feel complete. And then you will have reached the peek of your lifetime. And then what? Oh, I guess you'd have to settle. The gist of life as I understand it at the moment of writing these lines is that there is not such thing as absolute happiness. There is no such thing; you will always be missing something. So don't feel bad if you feel incomplete. Look for the little, transient things that make you happy at the moment, and expect them to change every day. Just don't give up and give in the misery. Look and enjoy the details. I don't know about the rest of the world, but at least I don't expect you to ever feel complete. I am on your side.

Cheers :)