I am afraid of the world.
Today I have this uncomfortable feeling again, that somehow I'm failing my life. I have recently come to realize one terrible thing. It seems that I'm more scared of letting other people down, that I am about letting down myself. What a terrible, terrible thing to say. Because in the end all I have is myself. People may come, may stay, may go. This is something that you cannot control. So in the end, all you ever have is yourself. Why am I beating myself up, I do not know. That poor self of mine must be exhausted: always feeling disappointed, left out, lacking, always wanting more.
Because of the opinions and expectations of other people I think I have driven myself up against a wall. So now I'm left with looking into the white space of it, unable to move forward, while listening to the whispers of people gathered around me. So helpless, when I could just turn around, face them, and walk away from the wall.
So this is what I've become? I always felt I do not "fit in" in this world where other people so easily seem to roam around. Why can't I just fit in? Comply to the rules? Compromise? These questions echoed in my head for the last few years. But now the voices are getting stronger. I hear them in my head all the time. I think it's too late now. For all the years that have passed, I am now certain that can never be. I am like a pair of shoes, that you just had to buy, but you cannot wear anywhere.
In this world, I want to live with all my might but I seem to be lost in the way. Is it the lack of love? Or is it the age? Or just the weather? I am confused, I cannot seem to be able to find the actual reason and this is the most frightening part I guess.
I want to burn so that I can breath again. So, universe, can you give me something? Please I'm begging you, anything to get me out of this pit. I wanna look at the stars and breathe freely again. Just lift this weight from my chest - I don't even know when and why I put it there.
