It has been one of those summers, the quiet ones. I actually had no expectations from this summer and felt ok about it. The first step to deal with a situation is accepting it.
It has been a difficult year; couldn't concentrate well on my studies, couldn't have exactly freedom of choice, no actual vacations and a crappy mood that kept swinging up and down.
At the beginning of summer I had hope. I think it's the sun, or maybe the warm weather that always lifts up my mood. I felt powerful, I accepted a "stay-with-the-family" vacation, and promised myself better luck next year. The thing is that life surprises you at the exact moment when you have found piece and quiet. I hate it. Honestly. I complain a lot about the crappy people that enter (and exit) my life but I secretly always hope for the best.
As you may guessed already someone half-entered/half exited my life again. Not enough and not for long. Just enough to make a mess and leave me cleaning it up. Truthfully, this time I can't blame him. He didn't stick around enough to betray me. But the thing is, I liked him. He swept me off my feet so quickly. I was so certain that I found someone worth it after these two difficult years. That is why I am again in pain. I think I was more in love with the idea of being around him, than the actual time I spent interacting with him. Still when someone you (apparently) created high hopes for suddenly feels unreachable, you are left in pieces. Even if there were no real promises made. Well, these are the known dangers of summer flings. The two P's: powerful and painful.
I feel like vomiting. If I could put a label in my emotional state that would be it. Why couldn't I just stay away as planned? I think now that I was over-confident and developed a crash on him without noticing it. When he left, I did. Argh, too late. Just too late. Now it's done, what can I do? I feel so lonely this past few days, with a pain in my chest. It just...hurts.
