I read somewhere the following line: "People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily."
You already know that I'm a sucker for quotes, but when I read this one I related instantly. It's been a year since my last post but this time it's kind of different since I'm posting in broad daylight, an (almost) sunny spring day. Like always, I read my latest posts, just to check if I have improved at all since I wrote them. Well, unfortunately, I admit I was hoping for more changes, but it seems that most of us really change when a dramatic event happens. The drama is the one thing that I'm trying to avoid; but I keep coming back to it. And so I wonder; is it really so hard to change yourself? Even when you know that you are in the wrong? They say that to fix a problem, you must first admit that it exists. But what happens when you are past that point? Is there really no way to prevent hell, even when you know it's coming? Or maybe you think you found the problem, but you really haven't?
Today was supposed to be my 'search to find what the heck is going on' day. I haven't been able to do that properly. That's somewhat annoying. It is Sunday, but there are just too many people around me, I can't escape them. This only adds to my stress. I can't afford to lose any more days. In matter of fact tomorrow I have to decide what I want. The interesting part is that in fact, I thought I had figured that out last year! Oh well, it seems to me that aging really is of no actual help. Do I really know myself at all? This last year, exactly what have I been doing? Again, thinking about it: more stress.
The Nirvana "Hello, hello, hello, how low?" chorus just keeps popping up in my head; it's been two days now. It poses the one question I've been asking myself: how low? how much lower will I go?
There are several words that come and go in my head: freedom, knowledge, desire, and commitment. Can you be committed to something but also be free? I have a thing with commitment, but that's not new. Actually I thought that the problem was in the relationship part: I get bored too easily. It seems that lately I get bored easily with everything! Or maybe not lately? Maybe I just only noticed it? The thing is that I have seen myself being "fixed" on several people. So apparently, I can commit. Why not on other things also? What am I missing? Is this problem beyond help? But I *want* it to change. Or maybe I don't want it bad enough? Or maybe it's not what I really want?
The biggest question is in fact: am I really miserable or do I just think that I am miserable?
The second biggest question is this: who will win tomorrow? My sensible or my inconsistent self?
And then Nirvana comes to mind again. It seems that I am too "All Apologies". I cannot claim that I knew the circumstances, but I understand Kurt a bit. He couldn't help himself, and I can't seem to help myself.
What else should I write?I don't have the right.What else should I be?All apologies.
Tomorrow... please let it be my turn to change?
