This blog is getting to be some kind of a diary. Which is good. I have no great truths to contribute to the world. My views on most things are biased and I claim no self-awareness whatsoever.
I can only document that troubling self of mine which, let's face it, is not that glorious to inspire anyone else. I mean, I do not really like myself, so why should you?
So the everlasting questions:
a) Do you know who you are?
b) Do you know what you want?
Ahem, No and No. It is sad and pathetic after all this years but after yesterday's hangover I must admit that I really, really do not know.
One constant thing I do remember however is this: my inability to decide things for myself.
Seriously I never seem to know what I want, and even when I finally decide, I always explain myself to others and wait for their approval. If this isn't pathetic then what is?
Second thing is my inability to concentrate. I have a target and suddenly my mood changes and I cannot focus at the task at hand. I disappoint myself and then I disappoint the others.
All the mood swings are insecurities that seem stupid when I speak them out loud. The "feeling stupid" and "feeling lonely" are the two main reasons behind this I find. That is kind of pathetic also. I cannot claim to be a cold-hearted bitch only in front of others. You are what you say you are, only when you step out of the spotlight and you continue to feel the same way about it. Right?
As I already said, I spent yesterday with a terrible head and stomach ache. My whole appearance was terrible, and it depicted pretty accurately the whole situation. The hangover itself means nothing. My father dropped a quote about "everybody make mistakes. it's in our nature" and didn't comment any further. However I felt completely embarrassed. Not about what he said. I mean people get drunk, it's not a criminal offence for a reason. The embarrassing fact was the weakness creeping as the actual reason about it. Lately I've been unable to control myself whenever I get out, and I keep getting drunk. Not all the time, but once a month definitely. The problem is that this never happened before. I could have fun without the drinks, but now I just get depressed in the middle of the night and suddenly one more drink doesn't seem like a bad idea. If you add this to the fact that I cannot concentrate on things to do you get the picture. I cannot control my life and I get depressed. Add to this the fact that it's been a while since I had a true relationship and you might come to the same conclusion as myself. The constant misery.
I've always said that you cannot expect some "person" to appear and help you fix yourself. You have to do it yourself. It is a firm belief and I hold on to it. But somewhere along the way I've become so weak that I can't keep myself in line with my beliefs. That is the tragedy I guess. Mostly I am afraid that I will wake up old one day and realize that I haven't achieved what I really wanted, not because I didn't know what it was, but because I never gave 100% on anything. That terrifies me. Myself is my terrorist. I self-destruct and this has to stop.
Yesterday I kept thinking about it. Today I'm writing about it. And after this post is done it will be over. Changes do not always come gradually. Sometimes they are sudden. You just say "No more", and that's it. I will consider this my "new year's resolution post" even though summer is already starting.
I am like an addict, but not this time. Whenever I slip out, I'll keep replaying "not this time" over and over and over. Will I give in to myself? Not this time. Not this time. Not this time.
