Alright, alright, I admit it; I have a broken heart.
I honestly thought that growing older, means handling things better. Clearly I failed. I guess I was arrogant enough to think that I'm above it all. Love and stuff.
What you should know about me, is that falling in love is a difficult process. It rarely happens, and when it does, I can't handle it very well...First of all I can't express it. I'm embarrassed in a degree so high that I tend to neglect the person I truly like and talk to his friends, cousins, distant relatives, friends of his friends, etc. You can see where I'm going with it. In order to learn how to flirt (Yes, I' m saying out loud now) I even googled "how to flirt" steps from the internet. And if you believe, that in order to become pitiful, you must be overweight, stupid, or f*cking ugly, you are so damn wrong. I don't like myself very much when I'm like this. But honestly, I thought I became better in the last years. With the flirt and in cases the rejection as well.
It is sad when you discover that you are not strong at all. At first, I didn't consider him as a candidate. That was mistake No 1. I thought "hm, he is nice/pretty/clever enough for me", let's see If I can get to know him. The boy of course I knew from the beginning that was strange. It was the adjective that everyone used when describing him. Nice guy, but strange a bit. I didn't take that seriously. That was mistake No 2. You know, you should always trust the people who already know someone. They know better. All the other is history; I approached, I though I can win easily, we communicated so fast and everyday and he accepted every invitation I gave to hung out. But he never, never asked me out first. There is mistake No 3. When seeing someone really interested in you but not making the next step, no matter what all your/his friends say ("he likes you", "he needs time", "he is rather shy", etc) you should just GIVE UP and RUN away! Yes, indeed, backtrack and run for your life! For the love of God, you are about to make a huge mistake: you are about to get attached to a person that is not "quite right". That's reason good enough.
If you don't, you'll probably end up like me: the "work hard" to intrigue him to make the step in vain and the broken heart afterwards. Here's a tip: if you think you've done far to many things, but despite all good "appearances" he's still holding the castle, then walk away. Because you did your best. You should be proud! What he does, is none of your concern or your fault.
Yesterday, after a gathering of friends where he was present, I became depressed. I drove all the way back home crying. I remember I could barely see the road, from the sobs and the tears. My face and my heart was a mess. That's when I knew that I was heartbroken. Today, that the day passed, I'm still depressed. But, I've made up my mind on working hard, this time to ignore him. It's not easy you know. when you are in the same place every day. But I hope that gradually the pain will go away. It's not the first time, but it sure feels like it. And it hurts like hell...
But a love that brings only pain, is not for you. That is that. He's is not making the move for whatever reason! ACCEPT that. Cry a river, then build a bridge and get over it.
I can't tell you that tomorrow will be easier, because it wont. I will try though. I will bite my lips to hold in the pain, and I will grow out of it. You should do it to.
