I must admit I find myself a little confused about matters of love. You will find me admitting that quite often I guess...
But honestly, have you ever had a love that embarrassed you? Hey, I'm not talking about lust people! That's not the only kind of love. I am talking about love complexes.
A love that is not...hmmm, let's say natural! And don't start with "gay" stuff. I am not talking about those either.
How about something bizarre? Something you are ashamed of? Or even cannot understand why?
I've got my own story too. I will share it with little details, since you can never know who is reading your blog these days! I think if I get it out of my chest, that it will trouble me less. I figure I'll write it here. Hopefully, none of you will tell!
So, let's be honest. It's a "he". I'm a "she". Nothing unatural about that heh? He is not a relative, no. He is my mentor though . Ahhh, the classical romantic story. He is the girl's saviour, they fall in love, happy ending!
Well, that's not it. He is older. You want it in years? Come on, he is not a grandparent people! And I am not underaged! But he is a father. He has children. And he did save me in a way.
There was a time, not too long ago, that I was going through a bad, very bad phase in my life. Things were just wrong. I didn't like anything I was doing. I was lost. And it was too late to start climbing back into my life. Or so I thought. He believed in me. Without me proving anything, he convinced me I could do it. Stand back on my feet. If I had patience. I relied on him of course. I felt the support. My friends felt it too. His behavior towards me was different. I felt special. And since he was [and still is] a very important, successful person, people were jealous. And I was happy.
Hapiness is a strange feeling. And I always had a thing for people who knew more than me. Success is always attracting me. He is a strange man of course. Sometimes you think he doesn't pay attention to you. But most of the times, when he does, you know that you can do things. Just because he says so. Yes, he is one of those people who inspire others.
So, in time, I started to notice things about myself. His opinion for starters. I needed his approval so badly! I said to myself: "girl, you are crazy. Nothing is wrong. It's in your head.". But it was not. Because later, I noticed that there were times when I just *had* to see him. I *had* to talk to him. Now, at that time, I began to really worry about myself! And then, the final blow. My heart was beating really bad when I was thinking of talking to him. And when he teased me, I blushed!
Dear God! I never, ever blush!! What the hell? At the time I also started losing my breath, just in the thought of talking to him, I knew things were going out of control.
So I asked myself the question I was afraid the most: "Are you in love with him? Do you want to be with him?". The answer was shocking. "No". No, I had never thought of kissing him [or anything else for the matter]. When I did think about it, I said "ew! gross!I don't want to do anything like that with him!".
And here is the problem. A man is controlling me. I do not want to sleep with him though. So, it isn't love. Nor lust. But I wanna talk to him. And I get so jealous if he isn't adressing me.
So it's a complex I guess? Maybe 'obsession' is a better word for it.
Whenever I think about this thing, I am ashamed of myself. There are times when I can control my mind and heart, but there are other times when my complex is going out in the open! And I'm screaming: "come back here you! you can never go out!".
We all have our own little secrets. Dirty little things, details that we are afraid of showing. We want to get rid of them and live in peace. I'm one of you, so I know what you mean.
But you know what I think? I think that these secrets is what makes us who we are. Who we really are. When you stop pretending that everything is normal, when other people are not around, when you are looking in the mirror and you come face to face with your obsessions, then you see your real self. Yes, this is you. And this is me. I cannot deny it. Neither shoud you.
Don't you find it intriging that you know something about yourself, that no one knows? That you will never tell?
Struggle silently with your obsessions, with every complex that you have. Be free from them, or not. But believe that each one of the people around has also a secret. Something they cannot say.
And try not to be too hard on yourselves. Come out of the closet! Embarrassed much? So what?
Ninet
In general, I like myself. I mean, I do have some things I want to change, but I try to ignore all these and accept me as much as I can.
